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7 Ways NoFap Improves Your Relationship (And Your Life)



Think your chronic masturbation habit could be negatively impacting your relationship?

Well, you may be right. And you’re also not alone.

If you don’t spend much time on internet forums, you probably missed the millions of men who have already been sharing their struggles in love and sex, and the direct connection to how much they masturbate.

For years now, guys have been coming together to not cum together (at least, that is, via masturbation. Some might go as far to not ejaculate at all – even with a partner – but that’s another conversation altogether, with its own array of purposes and benefits).

Many of these men have discovered first-hand how abstaining from masturbation can have absolutely transformational effects on the health of your relationships, as well as your entire life as a whole.

This experiment, or even permanent lifestyle, for some, is called “NoFap” which is slang for “no masturbating.” It can also be known as “Nop/Nom” – or, no porn, no masturbation. The slang term “fapping” came from the general sounds of slapping skin contact while you’re beating your meat in the heat of the act.

There are varying levels of abstaining from self-pleasure, that should be deployed based off of your current situation. If you explore your body in a slow, sensual, mindful way without the use of pornography on an every now and then basis, you probably don’t need to abstain from masturbation unless you choose to. But if you’ve been masturbating daily to pornography for years, then you are undoubtedly draining your energy unnecessarily and this experiment could be worth a one-month test.

So, if you’re sensing issues related to masturbating, and are curious about what trying NoFap can do for your life, I’m about to give you the skinny on how it works, what problems it addresses, and what kind of powerful results you can expect to see.

First, you should know: There is nothing “wrong” with masturbating.

Poison and violent crime aside, pretty much everything is good in moderation. But doing NoFap isn’t about the morality, or “wrongness,” of it.

Many modern men have had an unbroken, chronic masturbation habit since puberty, which has gone far beyond healthy self-pleasure. For many, it has become a full-fledged addiction – something they feel helpless to control, and is compulsively done to the point of creating negative consequences in their lives.

The NoFap movement emerged because guys everywhere were experiencing huge problems, and they started noticing the undeniable links to masturbation. It has nothing to do with guilt, shame, religion, or morals. It’s strictly about what was causing your life to work, or not work. In other words, there’s nothing wrong with engaging in masturbation. But if you’re doing it every day, is that the most effective use of your life’s energy?

So, in the safety and anonymity of online chat forums, guys started talking about it. They began opening up about their addictions to masturbation and porn, and the havoc it was wreaking in their lives, especially in their sexual and romantic relationships. Then, tons of other guys began leaping forward to relate and share the exact same issues.

Here is a short list of common ones guys experience:

  • Erectile dysfunction
  • Premature ejaculation during sex
  • Loss of attraction for their partner
  • Depression, apathy, and loss of energy
  • Lack of drive – in career, fitness, and personal life
  • Lack of desire to have sex, or seek partners
  • A heavy and toxic sense of despair and shame around feeling out of control

Through the NoFap challenge, countless men have seen each of these problems vanish, and be replaced by a quality of life they’d never experienced before. They feel more present, powerful, confident, and healthy, and above all, their relationships were never better.

Alright, how is this all related to fapping?

Two Cruxes of the Issue

When you screw with your dopamine reward mechanisms, it has huge consequences in all areas of life, but specifically with your significant other.

Dopamine is what causes you to feel motivated to do things, and feel sexually aroused. When you’re flooding your brain all the time by masturbating, you’re doing two things:

  1. Depleting your stores of dopamine, so you feel less pleasure and motivation overall, and
  2. Increasing your tolerance, so you need even more stimulation and novelty to produce dopamine, in order to feel its addictive beneficial effects.

It’s just like drinking alcohol or smoking pot: Someone who regularly has a lot of it, for a long period of time, will start to need much more of it in order to feel the same buzz.

So, your relationship, your partner, and most things in natural life, can’t provide enough dopamine, and so you begin to stop feeling as interested in them.

As a result, your regular life can start to feel dull and grey, or numb, and your days become about chasing the high (whether you know it or not) which leads you to things like chronically jacking off – even when you weren’t aroused – and spending more time on your phone, or in other mindless distractions.

If you feel like you’re always lazy, don’t take much action, and are easily distracted, this is probably why.

It’s also important to note here that, for a lot of men, masturbation is usually attached to pornography, which brings its own unique brand of negative impacts on relationships. This is the second major piece of the problem.

(By the way, if you’re specifically struggling with porn-induced erectile dysfunction as well, I’d recommend checking out my deeper dive article on that here.)

Adding heavy porn use to a chronic masturbation habit messes up the arousal circuitry in your brain even more.

For men, sexual imagery is a big trigger for dopamine. And so are things like mate novelty, colourful imagery, and quick cut editing. This makes porn tube sites the most diabolically perfect dopamine dispenser.

But, in using them way too much over time, you train your sex drive to only passively respond to this artificial digital experience, with a level of novelty and intensity that is utterly impossible to recreate in real life.

This is where the extra layer of conditioning comes in.

Where you would normally expect to get your engine revved and mind engaged by seeing a real woman in the flesh, and feel motivated to action, you instead struggle to feel much arousal at all. You feel like your mojo has been killed.

But when you’re alone with your computer and millions of free videos, containing every possible kink at the touch of a button, your loins will scrape together the will to weakly rouse from their slumber.

What does all this amount to?

With NoFap, we’re basically resetting your brain’s arousal circuitry, and sparking a ton of positive changes.

This means you’ll not only start feeling more attracted to your partner, but you’ll actually experience deeper feelings of love, gratitude, presence, and meaningful connection.

I’ll explain all this in a few seconds. But first I should mention a few things that you need to know…


– This is probably going to be hard as fuck. But that’s why it’s so powerful.

I’m assuming that you’ve been fapping freely for many years, without a second thought. So be prepared for your mind to pull out every trick in the book to pull you away from abstaining from masturbation. One of the most common early-days hacks that men engage in is trying “edging,” where you rationalize that it’s okay to touch yourself a little bit, as long as you don’t orgasm. The logic being that you’re just revving your engine without spilling your energy. 

This is total bullshit. Playing with your penis for any reason besides washing it for a few seconds, or grooming, is masturbating. Don’t let your inner cum-junkie make any concessions, compromises, or have you weasel your way into loopholes and technicalities.

If you’re looking to reset your dopamine receptors, then abstaining full-stop (at least for a period of time) is going to get you the results you’re after.

It’s going to take serious commitment to yourself, your relationship, and your life. But you can reclaim so much confidence, energy, and power in the process.

– You need to give this a bit of time.

While a few of these benefits might appear almost immediately, most of them require some time to develop. Many of these problems are rooted in physiology, and it takes time for your body and brain to reset and rebalance. Depending on the severity and longevity of your chronic masturbation/porn-use habit, it could take anywhere from 1-10 months for significant erectile changes to stabilize, for example.

If you’re a daily masturbator, take this on for one week to start, to make it digestible for your mind. Then go for a full month.

Knowing all that, here are seven ways NoFap improves your relationships.

nofap, strong man, stronger erections

1. Stronger erections

When you take a sustained break from masturbation, you’ll begin recovering long-lasting, rock-hard erections.

Much of this has to do with the replenishing the body’s stockpile of chemicals that trigger and facilitate the process of getting an erection. Until now, these chemicals have been constantly depleted, while you probably still continued to push through to jack off with medium strength erections.

Plus, with the hyper-stimulation of porn out of the way, your brain will start to get switched on by much more subtle and natural stimulus. It could be anything from your partner’s scent, to the look of their legs in jeans, the feeling of their hair, or maybe even for no reason at all.

Rather than feeling that empty, semi-firm, half mast of a hard-on – that’s just enough to get the job done of whacking off – you’ll reclaim the throbbing, fully engorged, pelvis swelling erections.

I’ve experienced huge erectile benefits within just one week of engaging in NoFap. I could box 12 rounds with it like a heavy bag and it would keep bouncing back. But some clients I’ve worked with, who have had more severe issues, said that they experienced more remarkable improvements after a few weeks – and that it was totally worth the wait.

2. More sexual energy/desire

Quite simply, when you’re not popping the valve open all the time, your sexual energy gets concentrated and intensified.

Think of building your sexual desire like building a fire. If you’re constantly stamping it out, by blowing loads and dumping your energy, your drive will feel like an ashy bed of flickering embers. But if you leave it alone and give it a little time, it will start to roar to a blaze, and you’ll feel it much more strongly.

When you’re regularly masturbating, you might lie beside your partner and feel a limp, lazy vacuum in your pelvis. It’s like there’s no fire or desire. If anything, you might have the urge to sneak away and watch porn on your phone in the other room.

But on NoFap, you’ll feel that stoked, buzzing fire, ready to go, and it’s way easier to switch on. You’ll feel more inclined to initiate. You’ll be more attracted to your partner (or, if you’re single, to women in general).

And as I’ll touch on in a point further down, this sexual energy is good for much more than just fucking.

3. More attraction for your partner

It’s very common for chronic male masturbators to lose their spark of attraction for their significant other. Because when you’re constantly masturbating (especially to porn) you stop noticing her in the same way.

You default to using other means of channelling and releasing your sexual energy and “meeting your primal needs.” Biologically, some part of you feels satiated, or spent, and there’s no reason for the body to trigger arousal and motivation – because it thinks that the job has been done.

NoFap restores your natural balance and rhythms of sexual arousal. As the dopamine system resets, and your brain acclimates to the real world, you’ll start feeling a lot more sexual towards your partner.

You’ll stop preferring mental fantasies, and fake women in fake scenarios. And I mean “fake” in the sense that porn actors spend hours in hair and makeup getting ready for the shoot, plus, they’re getting paid to act through the entire thing.

Again, porn can be enjoyed in a healthy way. But the way most men use it is taking a significant toll on their brains, without them even knowing it. It programs them to be attracted to anything but their partner, or a real woman.

4. More presence and connection in your lovemaking

sex positions, best sex positions for guys with big penises, dominant, loving dominant, nofap

In the moment, the intensity of your conscious experience increases BIG time. Rather than practicing disappearing in mental and digital fantasies, you are there – in your body, feeling all the sensations.

You’ll also experience way more raw fierceness and strength in your sexual desire. You’ll have the overwhelming desire to take and ravish your partner, and energetically enhance the experience.

Most guys notice that the whole sexual experience just feels richer, deeper, and more nuanced, in a way they’ve never experienced before.

5. More motivation and energy in your life

All this sexual energy you’re cultivating isn’t just fire for sex – it’s fire for life.

It pushes you into a state of alertness, presence, and desire for action across the board.

Instead of hitting a button and constantly getting a dopamine fix, you’ll actually be motivated to go out and hunt for them in the real world, by doing things like making tangible progress on your career goals, working out, or taking risks.

Also, NoFap is no small task. You’re conquering a long-standing addiction – something that had a hold on you, and felt outside of your control. This builds huge confidence. The experience of applying mind over body and conquering those formerly compulsive urges makes you feel powerful.

You’re also freeing up a ton of mental and physical energy that would otherwise be going down the drain. All of that energy has to go somewhere. And you can funnel it toward making shit happen, and building things in the real world.

6. More focus that you can bring to your conversations

If the intimacy in your relationship was like the heat in a house, having a masturbation and porn habit would be like leaving all the windows open.

All of your energy gets diffused and escapes the container. A cold relationship is one where people stop having the inclination to create mental intimacy with each other. They’re not bringing fresh eyes and curiosity to their partner. There are many other things that can cause a relationship to go cold, but chronic masturbation and the depletion of your sexual energy is certainly one.

As you stop distracting yourself so much, that curiosity comes back in full force, just like it probably was at the beginning of the relationship, when you were still getting to know each other.

7. More energy to channel into loving your partner well

With all of this extra desire, energy, and interest, you’ll feel more inclined to channel your love and attention into your relationship.

Guys on NoFap find themselves thinking ahead to consider and anticipate her needs, or performing little acts of service, and telling her how they feel more often.

Women have reported suddenly feeling a steadily growing flood of attention from their man, like he was less distant and distracted. That’s because he’s “closed the windows,” so to speak, and stopped diffusing his energy in the overuse of masturbation.

The result is your partner feeling more seen, loved, and appreciated, which creates an upward spiral in your relationship, and takes you to levels you’d never have gotten to otherwise.

NoFap seems overly simple, or maybe even trivial, on the surface. But as tons of other guys can attest, it will change the way you experience yourself, your partner, and your entire life.

Again, don’t expect an entire world of difference in just a few days. You may indeed feel some things within the first week. But especially in terms of your inner fire, confidence, motivation, erections, and intimacy, that stuff may take up to a few weeks. That’s because, on top of the physiological resetting the body has to do, you need to start racking up the wins in your life in order to build momentum. 

Every time you get the urge to masturbate and you choose not to, it’s like cracking open a hidden Easter egg with psychological power inside. It increases your confidence and builds the muscles of your mental will, while adding a little more energy to your mojo stockpile.

Pretty soon, you’ll feel ablaze with fire for life and way more excited about your relationship.

And if you’re really serious about tackling this challenge, I highly recommend having an accountability partner. It will give you way more resolve, and help you produce even deeper insights into your process.

If you don’t have a friend who you feel comfortable sharing this challenge with, there are hordes of communities and forums online where you can find awesome support.

You’ve got this!

Dedicated to your success,


Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you’ll also love checking out:

– Supercharge Your Sex Life (video series for men)

– How To Recover From Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction

– Wanted: Strong Men For Soft Times

– How To Start And Run A Men’s Group Successfully

– 5 Ways To Help Reduce The Male Suicide Rate

– 11 Ways To Be A More Attractive Man (or How To Fight Entropy 101)

– The NoFap home page

– NoFap subreddit

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Relationships, Sex & Romance

The Ultimate Guide To Giving A Mind-Blowing Handjob




The handjob has become a forgotten sexual art. Since most of us tend to think of them as brief stopovers on the way to sex, they don’t get the attention they deserve, nor do they reach anywhere near their full erotic pleasure potential.

When done right, a handjob can be nothing short of a mind-blowing experience – all on it’s own.

The Unique Advantages Of A Handjob

For starters, because he knows you’re not going any further with oral or penetration, his tension and pleasure can be cranked way up.

There is an inherent edge and sense of anticipation infused into the whole experience. His body is building pressure and desire for you that you both know can only be released when he finally comes.

And since you’re only using your hands, you have tons of room to tease him and build all that pressure. Pretty much anything you do that’s lathered with sensual energy will drive him wild – like eye contact, sticking out your tongue, touching yourself, or letting out a few moans.

It’s also rare for a man to just purely receive. He’s usually so occupied with performing and lasting long enough that he doesn’t allow himself to just sit back for an entire session and receive pleasure. Receiving focused, loving attention through his cock from his partner feels nourishing on a deep level.

The Inner Secret To Success

What I just said about things being “lathered with sensual energy” holds a major key to the artful, epic handjob.

Besides knowing what bits to stimulate, and which techniques to use, the biggest thing that’s going to drive him wild is your attitude and sensuality.

You’ll need to recruit your inner seductress, or your stripper. You’re not getting any direct physical stimulation from him, which means your arousal is completely staked on his sheer experience of pleasure, and the pure, relishing expression of your own sexuality.

Sometimes you can easily feel super sexy spontaneously, and just crave the feeling of his erection in your hands. Other times, you might need to prime yourself to access that sexy headspace, so you can bring all this sauce to the table.

If you’re planning the session for a private night in, consider prepping the space in a way that turns you on. If you prefer, and he knows what you like, you could even ask him to take all that on – scents, candles, music, lights, whatever it might be. That way, he’s already building excitement and working with you to get in the mood.

But essentially, it’s a sense of ritual that can help prime a saucier state. In the same way you get ready to go out for the day – looking and feeling good – you can get ready to stay in. That might involve a new set of lingerie, a self-care routine, makeup, sensual dance, etc. So long as it makes you feel sexy as can be.

Next, we’re going to cover the basics of his anatomy, so you can pair this inner bombshell energy with the outer ninja tactics to blow him away. 

The Gist Of His Anatomy

For the ultimate handjob experience, it will help you to be able to venture out from the basic “stroke the shaft up-and-down” move. You can experiment with specific parts of his genitals, or stimulate them in different ways.

This list of all the key bits of his setup are spots you can pay attention to. You’ll notice that each of these are paired with a number from 1-10, which is the sensitivity rating, from low to high.

And just because something might have a lower rating does not mean you shouldn’t pay attention to it. I’ve left all that stuff out already. Giving a little attention to each of these will make for a well-rounded experience. Alright, let’s get into it!


The glans (9/10) is the darker pink bell-shaped part at the tip of his penis. This is where the majority of your focus and attention in terms of stimulation is going to go. It’s basically the anatomical equivalent of the tip of your clitoris, just a little less sensitive.

The foreskin (6/10) If he’s uncircumcised, his penis will still have one, which looks like a high turtleneck on a sweater. Its extra hood of skin at the end of the penis that protects the glans. When erect, it will naturally pull back most of the way to expose the glans. We’ll cover how to work with a penis with and without foreskin later on.

The frenulum (10/10) is on the underside of the glans. It’s the thin piece of tissue that connects the skin of the penis shaft and to the glans itself. This is another highly sensitive part that’s good to focus on (Bonus fun fact: You actually have two frenulums inside of your mouth. If you touch your tongue down in front of your bottom teeth, you can feel one there. And if you open your mouth in front of a mirror and lift your tongue, you’ll find another under there as well.

The shaft (5/10) is the cylindrical bit extending the glans away from the body, which we usually consider to be the penis itself, since it’s the largest visible part. It has little to no acute sensitivity, but general pressure and squeezing feels great, and it can handle a LOT of that. This is where stroking and grip comes in.

The testicles (6/10) (or testes) are the two egg-shaped organs hanging beneath the shaft. This is where his sperm is made and stored. Softly playing with these can be very pleasurable, as well as giving them a light tug. Be careful, though, because the cords that attach the testes into the body (the vas deferens) are VERY sensitive. You don’t want to yank, twist, or pinch them.

The scrotum (7/10) which is the skin that forms the pouch around the testes. Don’t let its appearance and function deceive you. The scrotum can actually be deliciously sensitive on most men.

The anus (9/10). Aka. “the butthole.” This is an optional area to include later on in the session. Simply massaging around the opening, or circling a finger just inside can be a spine-tingling addition to the experience. It’s also the gateway to the prostate, which I’ll cover in the “Advanced” section.

The perineum (7/10) is the pad of flesh between the scrotum and the anus. As he beings to warm up, this area becomes very responsive to a bit of massaging touch or use of the tongue. Partially because the skin is sensitive, and partially because the prostate is sitting just on the other side. This also makes for a great bridge to anal play as well.

Now that you know what you’re working with. It’s time to set the stage.

The Sexiest Handjob Positions

Feel free to switch around, and create your own, but here are some base positions that are ideal for handjobs.

Keep in mind that what adds all the deliciousness to this whole experience for him is feeling served, the sexy energy you bring to it, and great views to watch it all happen. These positions will either maximize comfort, visuals, or the power dynamic between you.

1. The Standard

handjob, handjob techniques

With the man lying on his back, the woman faces him and either kneels or lies between his legs. While it’s not an unfamiliar or very exotic position, it’s insanely sexy when done well.

Because he can’t touch much of anything besides your hair, The Standard position is all about emphasizing focus on him receiving your attention, energy, and tension of eye contact. If you want your partner to feel more like it’s just for him, this is a good option.

You can also give him an amazing view from this position. Rather than fully lying down, come onto your elbows and knees, and lean back to push your butt up in the air. This wickedly shows off the curves of your hips and waist.

2. King’s Chair

With the man sat upright in a chair, with his legs spread, the woman kneels between them. Similar to The Standard position, this position is all about playing up the Dom/sub feeling and creating an insanely sexy view for him. It also gives you better access to his testicles and anus, if those are part of your handjob game.

To him, it feels like sitting in a King’s throne, with his woman saucily immersed in the act of service. So, if you’re in the mood to make him feel honoured, powerful, and valued, this position is outstanding. Making eye contact in this position is especially sexy, as well as the next one.

3. Standing Service

Keeping the Dom/sub polarity, the man stands fully upright, while the woman is on her knees in front of him. This is best for the main stroke and ball-play.

Women tend to love this position because they feel most at service of their man’s pleasure. 

4. The Happy Ending

Rather than being below him, or facing him, you might also try standing or kneeling beside him (depending on the surface he’s on).

This is the classic massage table orientation, where the man is lying on his back, with the woman at his side. She can easily kiss while stroking him, touch his chest, or choose to focus with both hands. You probably don’t have a massage table, so the bed, countertop, or floor will do just fine.

Depending on what side you choose, the basic stroke from this position changes as well.

For example: If you’re right-handed, standing on his right side will limit additional options for stimulation, but it will invert your grip in a great way. Where other positions have the main stroking hand with the thumb underneath the penis and fingers over top, the orientation is now inverted – with the thumb on the top of the penis and fingers underneath. This feels fantastic, for reasons I’ll explain shortly.

Whereas if you’re on his left side, your movement is limited, as you’ll have to stay closer to his hips (since your stroking arm is between you and him) but it opens up more options for simultaneous stimulation, because your left hand is free and comfortably able to work his balls or anus.

Handjob Foreplay Tips


Since handjobs are usually considered to be a mere act of foreplay themselves, you’ll likely have to completely rethink your approach on how to give one. With it now being the main event, we’ll be slowing way down and expanding all the time leading up to it.

Build up in baby steps.

Start with kissing lots and touching him all over. You can be creative and engage all the senses. Use everything from the scent of a fragrance, to the feeling of your breath, the sound of moans and dirty talk, and the look of sexy outfits.

When you do finally touch his cock for the first time, keep building the anticipation by doing so indirectly. Make sure it’s from the outside of his clothes. Softly stroke it with an open hand, then give it a few hard squeezes. You can also lick or bite it (mindfully) through his clothes as well.

If you undress him, kiss and lick whatever new skin you expose along the way – like his thighs, stomach. And when his package is fully out, begin with light, slow touches. Don’t jump straight into a vigorous stroke right away. Lightly caress around the base of his penis, the mons pubis (above the penis, below the belly) and testicles.

If you’re keeping his pants on, for whatever reason, reach inside his underwear and give his shaft a solid squeeze. Play with him a bit before you fully unbutton his pants and pull his cock out.

Gradually build up the intensity. Once erect, guys are used to cranking away full-throttle on their cocks. While you want to emulate some of that energy soon, it’s extra hot to keep it going slow and gentle.

To warm up, try a few of these techniques:

  • Titillate the testes. Undulate his testicles lightly with your fingers or palm. Give them a very light tug outward. If he recoils, or tells you it’s uncomfortable, just kiss them softly and move to another technique. It is technically a “hand” job, but you wouldn’t exactly be cheating if you used your tongue down here. A light lick against the scrotum will send ripples of pleasure through his body.
  • Circle the tip. The opening of his penis is acutely sensitive when he’s hard. Take a bit of spit on the tips of your fingers and make a gentle swirling motion against the tip of his cock, either with the pad of your first finger, or several fingers together. You can go around the opening, or generally rub the whole area.
  • Tickle the frenulum. With one hand lightly cradling and supporting his cock, use the index finger of the other hand to lightly, and slowly, pet the frenulum on the underside of the glans. Again, use a little spit here for the best sensation. This move will send more waves of pleasure through his body and leave him begging for you to stroke him.
  • Breathe on his glans. Once it’s wet, with spit or lube, the tip of his cock will become more sensitive to warm air of your breath. While you’re playing with his balls, or softly stroking him, bring your lips close and sensually breathe against his frenulum. This not only feels great but is a cruel tease that you might be taking him into your mouth, while making him feel like you’re aroused.
  • Gorilla grip. When you do finally wrap your hand(s) around him, do so lightly, and stroke slow. But then you can pepper in a one or two very firm squeezes to tease him and briefly satisfy that itch for intensity. Unless you’re an Olympic weight lifter, you can probably use every ounce of grip strength you have and it will feel amazing.

All this said, depending on where you’re giving the handjob, and your moods at the time, the best and sexiest thing to do might very well be to dive right into passionately stroking him. That’s up to your judgment and intuition. In general, it’s rarer for a man to experience the slow build to hand stimulation, so it’s often a great path to choose.

Once you’re hot-to-trot, you can transition to the main techniques.

The Foundational Handjob Tips

First of all: Lube.

Lube makes the friction of your hands and fingers so much more pleasurable, and feels much more sensual. Most (uncircumcised) guys have been giving themselves handjobs all their lives without lube, so incorporating it will already make the experience more exciting.

If he has his foreskin intact, this provides more slack in the skin along the shaft of the penis, so you’re able to stroke it back and forth, and get away with not having to use lube. But why do that? Make it more exciting and special by lathering him up. Lube will also greatly increase the range of options you have for techniques and styles of stroking. Plus, any men would prefer a wet, well-lubed handjob. And that’s especially the case if he’s circumcised, since there’s no extra skin to move around.

Proper lube or oil is ideal, but saliva will do if you’re in a situation without other options.

Applying the lube. For this step, assuming you’re using proper lubricant, think like a masseuse. Make your initial touch very soft, and repeat a few drawn out motions to lube him up. The first might be an open palm stroke from his balls to his glans, with the other palm following in tow. The second could be a shaft-focused wringing motion, where both hands are lightly twisting and massaging his cock. So long as you do it with sensual mindfulness, it will feel amazing.

Next you’ll begin using the basic stroking technique. This move, in simple repetition with some intensity spikes, will be all you need to make the experience. The rest comes down to all the details you add to it. I’ll add a second technique afterward for the “Happy Ending” position.

How To Give The Handjob

Wrap your dominant hand around the top third of his shaft, and wrap the opposite ring finger and thumb around the base, with the remaining fingers spread flat against his mons pubis for stability.

If he has foreskin, this second hand can be especially useful in pushing/pulling down slightly to stretch the skin and keep his glans exposed. But in either case, the pressure around his shaft and downward against his mons feel incredible alongside the main stroke.

While the dominant hand can intermittently stroke all the way to the base to mix it up, the most sensitive part of his penis is the top third, or less. So, this is where your stroke is going to be focused.

For the smoothest stroke, with the most stamina, the focal point of your hand’s subtle tension will be the thumb, index and middle fingers, while the ring and pinky fingers are mainly there to provide accents. Put light emphasis on the downstroke, rather than the upstroke, to mimic the natural feeling of penetration.

If your hand needs a break, either swap to the other as best you can, or use alternative methods, such as open palms, or paying more attention to the testicles.

Your non-stroking hand doesn’t have to stay on the base. It’s just a good home for it. You could use it to other parts of his body or genitals, or place on his butt or back of his thigh for a little leverage.

Or, The Happy Ending Stroke

If you choose to be at his side in the masseuse-type position, you’ll have the opportunity to give him a different kind of stimulation. Whichever is your dominant hand, position yourself on that side of him. So, if you’re right-handed, stand or kneel on his right side.

Now, when you grip his penis, your fingers will be on the underside of his shaft. What’s so good about this grip is that you are providing much more stimulation to his frenulum. When you stroke, pay extra attention to add a little more pressure with your fingers, so they rake against this sensitive bit under his glans.

Alternatively, you can try another technique in short bursts, where you wrap your hand around his glans and squeeze with your fingers, using plenty of lube. As you squeeze, this will naturally cause your hand to move upward along the tapered glans, effectively stroking it.

Pressure and intensity. This is a HUGE point for his overall pleasure. The dominant hand is the main point of concern here, for how much you squeeze and how fast you stroke. Chances are extremely high that light, casual touch will not get him anywhere near ejaculation, even though it feels amazing at the beginning.

Your grip doesn’t need to be maxed out. A light squeeze will do. The intensity of the pace will be the largest change. If you’re ready to edge him (bring him close to orgasm, then back down) or push him over the edge, the stroke will basically be as fast as you can physically manage, while keeping it smooth and sustainable. If you don’t feel like it’s a workout, or requires a lot of effort, you’re probably going too easy.

When in doubt, just check in with him. Does he want you to squeeze harder? Stroke faster? Or shift your grip to another part of his cock? Going straight to the source is the easiest way to calibrate.

Advanced Techniques

If you want to add a little more variation and excitement to your handjob, try out a few of these ideas:

  • Add testicular techniques. While you stroke him, fondle and play with his balls lots, with either the other hand or your mouth. You can take a ball into your mouth and suck with a matching rhythm, or lick the front of his scrotum. When he’s getting closer to coming, but doesn’t want to yet, you can also try wrapping your thumb and ring finger around the top of his balls and pulling down lightly. Be mindful with this move, but it’s a great way to alleviate the pressure and extend his stamina.
  • The merry-go-round. Instead of simply moving your hands up and down, wrap them around his cock and twist back and forth. Imagine yourself wringing a towel, or twisting the cap off a bottle of wine. With plenty of lube, this feels amazing. With too little, it could be uncomfortable.
  • The waterfall. This technique provides a constant stream of downward-stroking stimulation. Wrap your right hand around the tip of his cock and stroke downward. Once you reach the base, let go. As you move to reset at the top again, your left hand follows behind and performs the same movement, then followed by the right hand again, and then the left, and so on. With one hand followed by the other, in downward strokes, you’re giving him a constant, alternating, interesting flow of stimulation.
  • Anal play. While you’re stroking his cock with your most dextrous hand, use the other to touch and rub the opening of his anus. Again, be sure to use plenty of lube here. You could also eat his ass while you stroke him, by using a flat tongue to make small circles with light-medium pressure, or slowly work a finger inside the opening of the rectum to lightly swirl and create full pelvic pressure.
  • Prostate massage. If you’re both up for it, try taking anal play one step further and make it a full-on prostate massage, which is basically fingering his G-spot. Find a deeper dive on the best techniques here. This might be the best and hardest orgasm he will ever have.

How To Make The Handjob Even Sexier

Elevating the handjob into mind-blowing territory is all in the extra details. You can amp the eroticism through the roof by working in one of these points:

  • Spit on his cock. Whether you spit pornstar style (aka making a noise and spitting it forcefully on to his shaft) or you lovingly lick the saliva into place, in the heat of the moment, this will make his head explode. You might feel weird about it, but I promise you it will see rave reviews. It says, “I’m naughty, completely uninhibited, and love your cock.” If you’re not one for such a bold move, you could alternatively let the saliva quietly fall out of your mouth a little more slowly and sensually.
  • Dirty talk. Since you’re in the driver’s seat, with your mouth free, use it to tease him and lather extra sauciness over the experience. As often as you can, deliver any teasing lines while making eye contact. Telling him how much you love and want his cock is always a hit.
  • Surprise him. Perform your handjob in sexy locations. That will mean different things to different people. It could be in the front seats of a car, in the kitchen, interrupting him while sitting at a desk/table, surprising him in the shower, or secretly in public when out on the town at night. Everyone loves a bit of taboo and the unexpected. Because all that’s needed is an open zipper fly, an erection, and one hand, you can whip a great handjob experience out pretty much anywhere (anywhere that’s legal).
  • Introduce porn. While you stroke him, have him put on headphones and watch his favourite porn actress or scene. This is something few men will ever experience in their lives. It takes a secure partner to encourage their lover to visually fantasize about someone else. But it’s super erotic because you’re giving him permission to indulge in something that’s usually enjoyed in secret, while sharing the experience with him.
  • Have him give you a demo. Ask him to show you how he likes to touch himself. This is a sexy moment for both of you, while you can also do some recon and get tips on how to best stimulate him. If you’re wondering what he wants at any given moment, this can be a sexy way for him to reveal what kind of pressure and speed he’s craving.

Then, When He’s About To Finish…

After intensifying your stroke for a while, he will likely be hitting climax (and if you’re having any trouble, remember men are very auditorily stimulated, so some moaning, “mmmm’s”, or dirty talk will help push him over the edge).

Have him ejaculate wherever feels sexiest for you. Your excitement while he’s coming will still be a big part of finishing the experience. So pick a way that turns you on. Common ideas would be on his stomach, on your chest, into your mouth, or into a cloth.

Most men’s penises will become very sensitive once they ejaculate (specifically around the glans and frenulum). So, when he does come, slow way down and drastically loosen your grip. Keeping your fingers wrapped around the tip, or very subtly stroking, can still feel amazing while he’s initially coming. You might also squeeze the base of his shaft a bit. Not enough to block the flow, but just enough to add subtle pressure.

What Most Women Do Wrong 

Not doing it at all. Few women actually give dedicated handjob time during sex, let alone a full handjob experience. The fact that you’re here (and that you’ve read this far down the page) is already an amazing sign.

– Not using lube. Technically you can get by with dry hands (with an uncircumcised partner), since most guys have developed their masturbation habits without lubricant. But you’re missing out on a massive amount of pleasure potential and the opportunity to try different moves and techniques that only lube can allow.

Too little pressure and intensity. The most common sin in the handjob realm is being too weak with your grip. The penis is incredibly tough, and it loves hard, fast stimulation. Yes, subtlety and build up are important. But so is the crescendo. Some parts of a handjob should basically be an arm workout.

– No presence or enthusiasm. Doing anything with a casual, absent-minded vibe in sex is the opposite of arousing. If a woman is bringing lackadaisical energy to a handjob, a few things might happen. Either the man will: be left wondering if she’s even into it, or wishing she was more excited, or driven into his head to start fantasizing about other scenarios/people in order to get into it.

Recap Of Your Mind-blowing Handjob Tips:

  • Use the inherent limits of going hands-only to your advantage. Tease the shit out of him with your words, mouth, and body.
  • Work up nice and slow (or don’t, if you’re feeling ferocious)
  • Use plenty of lube/saliva
  • Keep your main stroke consistent with good pressure and speed
  • Use sexy eye contact, dirty talk, and other creative elements to ramp up the hotness level and push him to climax
  • When he comes, back off the stimulation a lot, but not all the way
  • Sit back and enjoy his breathless praise

With even a few of these efforts, your man will be thrilled to report he’s just received the most epic handjob of his entire life!

Dedicated to your success,


Ps. If you enjoyed this article on the ever elusive handjob, you’ll also love checking out:

– Inside The Male Mind (a video series for the lovers of men, which includes a video demonstration – on a male model – of how to give the ultimate penis massage / handjob)

– The Ultimate Guide To Giving Him The Best Blowjob Of His Entire Life

– How To Give A Life-Changing Penis Massage (aka Lingham Massage)

– The Ultimate Guide To Eating Pussy Like A God

– How To Give A Great Handjob

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Relationships, Sex & Romance

83 Dirty Talk Phrases That Drive Men Wild




Want to dirty talk to your man in all the perfect ways that are guaranteed to get a mind-melting, cock-stiffening response?

I’m about to break down the deeper mechanics of what turns him on, and give you some examples of it in action, so you can start pressing his buttons, and even improvise your own saucy lines on the spot.

It doesn’t take a bunch of kink gear and sex toys to throw a sense of adventure and intensity into your lovemaking (though it definitely wouldn’t hurt… or maybe a little, but only in a good way).

Dirty talk is one of the quickest and easiest spices at your disposal to add tons of flavour to your sex life. Over time, many couples stop experimenting with different recipes and start cooking with just salt and pepper. They stick to the bare minimum – and that’s cool.

But we both know you’re not here to have a “bare minimum” kind of sex life.

It’s also safe to say that you might be here because you’re a little unsure of how to engage in this whole dirty talk thing. You might not want to say the wrong thing, or end up feeling embarrassed about not being able to do it well.

Luckily, great dirty talk is easy to learn.

First, it will help you to feel more confident about trying this out by explaining exactly what works for men. And I promise you, this is very accurate. I’m not simply drawing from subjective experience. I have worked with literally thousands of men at this point, and I’ve heard some version of these points from all of them.

Then, I’m going to follow up with giving you a ton of lines to use, but know that often the best dirty talk is the stuff that arises in the moment and is unique to you. However, I know it can take a minute to get the hang of it and let the naughty juices start flowing before you feel comfortable ad-libbing your own.

So, let’s start by looking at what works.

Understanding His Arousal Triggers

Saying anything dirty at all is fun enough. But understanding his specific erotic hot-buttons will allow you to tailor your approach.

Many men will have their own specific fetishes and desires to play off of. Such as feet, bondage, or using names like “Daddy” and “little girl.” You can experiment – or better yet: talk with him – to figure out what his specific kinks and favourite fantasies are. But these following four points are the essential underlying dynamics that apply to almost any man.

1. Embodying your sexual goddess

dirty talk to say to your man

In coaching my female clients over the years, there has been a clear consensus of wanting to be a dirty talking sexual dynamo with their man, but often not knowing where to start, and feeling incredibly shy about opening their mouths and letting this kind of stuff fly.

The fundamental part of doing this well, and turning him on, is being able to talk dirty with authority.

I don’t mean playing the Dominant polarity (unless that’s what the two of you are into). It’s more about speaking confidently without hesitance or shame.

Just like how most women want to feel their man confidently lead, ravish, and direct during sex, most men also want to feel a certain energy from you.

In a word, and I mean this in the best possible way: He wants to feel your “whore” energy. These days, this is a derogatory and controversial word, with an immediate negative emotional kickback. But I don’t mean this in a demeaning way at all.

What the word is pointing toward is liberation, totality, and unabashed sexuality. It’s the underlying deep sense of permission that sub-communicates, “I am a sexual person and that is 100%, completely allowed” that is so attractive.

Said another way, it would be embodying your sexual goddess – shamelessly and fully stepping into your feminine sensuality. 

Great, passionate sex is about transmuting and expressing our shadow sides. Our intensity and vulnerability. Dirty talk is a powerful way to do that. Quite often, epic sex, while being consensual and mutually loving, isn’t necessarily always politically correct, or polite.

Why do we enjoy strip clubs? It’s not just because “sex sells.” It’s because we want to experience people—especially women—in their raw, unabashed sexual power. It’s stunning, moving, and hypnotizing. Strippers are skilled professionals at embodying this sexual goddess/god energy.

Most men (and women) don’t go to strip clubs because they’re some kind of dysfunctional pervert. It’s because – in that place – they are given permission to experience the part of their sexual nature that yearns to feel this energy, and play with pleasure.

In our relationships, we often don’t maintain this dynamic. That’s because there are so many more parts of us than just the sexual being. We enjoy furthering our careers, watching TV, and spending time with other people.

We’re busy. So, it’s often hard to switch gears into the sexual space. In short time, we stop talking about sex as much, or expressing our sexual thoughts. Our regular, domestic lives take centre stage.

As a result, the erotic spark gets outsourced to novels, clubs, and pornography.

There is an immense sexual power inside of you that your man is drawn to like a moth to a flame. If you give yourself permission to intentionally access it and play it up, he’ll melt like butter in the palm of your hand.

2. Giving you pleasure

Any man wants to know that he has the power to satisfy you like no one else. He wants to be able to give you pleasure and make you feel amazing. In fact, I’ve heard many of my male clients say that simply witnessing their partner in the depths of pleasure is more satisfying to them than experiencing their own deepest pleasure.

He wants to know that he turns you on. He wants to know that you see him as a sexual being. And he wants to be used for your gratification as well.

The easiest way to freestyle effective dirty talk is expressing what you like, what you want, and how turned on you are. As you do that, you get in the flow and feel even more turned on, which just ramps up the cycle.

Telling him that you’re thinking about sex and what you want him to do, or saying when you’re wet, or describing how good something feels, are all simple examples of expressing the pleasure that you’re experiencing. Be sure to be explicitly, raunchily descriptive for best results!

One extra tip for the extra shy: As you read the lists below, you might think, “Wow. There’s no way I could ever talk like that.”

If you’re completely new to this, and feel hesitant about jumping in, that’s okay. Because, depending on your conditioning around sex, diving right into this might not be as simple as memorizing a few lines.

Maybe sexuality was highly suppressed in your upbringing, or you’re just really self-conscious and worried about making things uncomfortable.

Ultimately, the desire to dirty talk is often a superficial expression of the deeper desire to unleash your sexuality and feel more alive. For some, this journey might benefit from engaging in deep inner work, or sexual therapy.

But in any case, starting by addressing dirty talk with your partner directly can make you feel much more comfortable.

Rather than just shooting some of these lines out there, if that’s not something you’ve ever done, you might want to let him know that you’d like to try spicing things up and let the leash out a bit more on your sexuality.

I promise you that he will be 110% on board. Knowing this ahead of time, he will also be extra encouraging and responsive when you make the effort, which will make you feel safer, while doubling the excitement between you.

So, let’s get into some dirty talk phrases that will drive him wild.

With all the mechanics laid out, I’m going to build them into 83 things you can say that are guaranteed to light a fire in his belly.

You will see that they are split up into three categories – Teasing, Pre-sex, During Sex, and Post-Sex – so you can play up any stage of the process.

Consider these to be training wheels; something to get the ball rolling. You can mix and match whatever you like, take or leave what you will, and use them as inspiration to come up with your own saucy sentiments.

Teasing Dirty Talk

Before you’re even getting sexual, use dirty talk to inject excitement into the day or week leading up to your next rendezvous.

This is where expressing that sexual goddess energy in little moments will make him feel both turned on and insanely grateful to have such an exciting and erotic woman.

You can refer back to recent experiences, things you’d like to do (or do again), and build excitement for the next time you have sex.

– “Will you please fuck me tonight?”

– What was your favourite part of getting naked with me last night?”

– “What do you love about being inside of me?”

– “I’m can’t wait to be with you later tonight. I think we should have some fun…”

– “Can you have your pants off when I get home later? I’m feeling horny, and I don’t want to waste any time…”

– “What outfit would you like to peel off of me for our date tonight?”

– “I’ve got a sexy surprise waiting for you later…”

– “I’m can’t focus at work today. I keep thinking about your cock and how well you fucked me last night…”

– “Remember when you went down on me [insert time/location.] Can we do that again?”

– “Is there anything you’d like to do to me/me to do to you tonight?”

– “Do you know what I love the most about your cock…?”

– “Where do you want to take my pussy tonight?”

– “My pussy has been missing you so much.”

– “I can’t wait to wrap my legs around you.”

– “I want to make you cum tonight.”

– “You make me so horny, baby.”

– “I’m imagining what it would feel like to have your cock inside me right now.”

– “I love walking around knowing that my pussy is all yours.”

– “I’m looking at some toys and sexy outfits. What would you love to see me with? I want to blow your mind.”

– “How can I show you how much I love your cock?”

Pre-Sex Dirty Talk

While everything before actually fucking is technically “foreplay,” in this section I’m talking about the stage where you’re actually together, getting naked, making out, and warming up for oral sex and/or penetration.

This one stage is where dirty talking is the most powerful. Introducing it at this point will rocket the tension and anticipation sky high, and cruise at altitude for the rest of the session. The excitement you had from the first handful of times you had sex will often rush back in and rekindle your passionate fires.

– “Do you like that, baby?”

– “I’m all yours, Daddy.”

– “I love it when you grab me like that.”

– “Am I a good girl?”

– “I want you to tie me up, baby.”

– “I’m so wet right now.”

– “You have such a perfect cock. I love it so much.”

– “Is this pussy yours? Are you going to take it?”

– “I’m going to drain every last drop of cum out of you.”

– “I can’t stop thinking about your cock.”

– “I’m so wet for you, daddy.”

– “I want your cock so bad, baby. Please fuck me.”

– “How do you want to fuck me?”

– “I want you rock hard before you enter me.”

– “Can I suck your cock, please baby?”

– “I want to feel your tongue all over me.”

– “I want to lick every inch of you.”

– “Where do you want me to put your cock?”

– “These are your holes. Do whatever you want with them.”

– “I’ve been thinking about this moment all day.”

– “I can’t take it, I need you inside of me, please.”

During Sex Dirty Talk

Once you’re naked and using your mouths, hands, or genitals to play with each other, supercharge the dynamic with some of these lines.

While the last stage is the most powerful in terms of impact, this stage is certainly the most fun. Because when you’re in the heat of the moment, you’re totally free to push the envelope on just how dirty and intense you can get.

You’ll notice that your mind is more open to dirty talk. And you’ll likely surprise yourself with what you think of to say. Let loose, and get naughty!

– “You feel so good inside of me baby.”

– “Spank my ass like the naughty girl I am for you.”

– “I love sucking your cock. It fits perfectly inside my mouth.”

– “Pound my little pussy with your big cock, daddy.”

– “Tell me how much you love it when you fuck me.”

– “I want you to fuck me from behind.”

– “Go slow, I want to feel every inch of that beautiful cock.”

– “Fuck me harder, baby, please.”

– “Don’t stop, please don’t stop fucking me.”

– “How does it feel to watch me swallow your beautiful cock?”

– “I’m your little girl/whore/slut.”

– “Show me how much you love that sweet pussy, daddy.”

– “Lay back. I want to show you how much I love your cock.”

– “Squeeze my ass, baby. Yeah, just like that.”

– “How do you fuck me so well?”

– “I want you to cum all over/inside of me.”

– “Please cum in my mouth, baby. I want to taste you.”

– “Yeah, cum for me, please daddy.”

– “Where do you want to cum, baby?”

– “Yeah daddy, give me every last drop of your delicious cum.”

– “Mmm, you came so much for me, Daddy, Thank You. I’m such a lucky girl.”

Post-Sex Dirty Talk

As you bathe in the afterglow of a ravenous session, expand the sensuality with some post-sex dirty talk.

This is all part of the practice of making more sexualized conversation, creating the habit of re-engaging the sexual sides of both of you, and getting right back to building excitement for the next time you get naked together.

– “That was so good, baby.”

– “My pussy is so happy.”

– “I’m so grateful for your delicious cock.”

– “You fuck me so well.”

– “I love feeling your cum pour all over me.”

– “When will you fuck me again?”

– “Mmm, next time I want you to cum inside me/on me/on my [insert place.]”

– “Maybe next time you can tie me down.”

– “I’m going to sleep so well dreaming about that.”

– “What do you want to do with me next time?”

– “Was I a good little girl for you, daddy?”

– “Can we schedule that again for the weekend?”

– “Mmm, I can still taste your cum on my lips.”

– “I loved it when you [insert moment/position.]”

– “Can I have your cum for breakfast, too?”

– “I never get tired of fucking you, baby.”

– “How did I get so lucky to have you fuck me?”

– “Why is your cock so perfect?”

– “I wish I could just tie you down and fuck you all day.”

– “Thank you for fucking me so well, daddy.”

Final Dirty Talking Tips

Now that you’ve got a good sense of what you can try, it’s time to test drive a few lines. Try taking note of at least one phrase from each section that feels fun for you, so that you have something spicy to pepper in at every step along the way.

And as you get into it, just remember:

– Be confident. He wants you to feel free, expressive, and excited.

– Get naughty. Let him know you think about sex, and you want it, and let your freak flag fly high and proud.

– Showcase your pleasure, because turning you on will turn him on.

– And, if you need to feel more safety and permission to dirty talk, have a quick conversation with your partner beforehand to express your intentions.

When in doubt, remember this basic rule:

Tell him what you want/are going to do, then comment on it in the moment, and refer back to it afterwards.

And once you’re warmed up and in the dirty talking mindset, let yourself really start having fun by improvising your own lines.

I promise you that he will feel like he hit the relationship jackpot.

Dedicated to your success,


Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you’ll also love checking out the following:

– Inside The Male Mind (video series for women)

– Dirty Talk: The Ultimate Guide For Beginners (100+ Examples)

– The Ultimate Sexting Guide: 100+ Sexy Texts To Turn Them On Like Crazy (this piece goes hand in hand with this dirty talk article, and gives you another 100+ things you can text to get your partner fantasizing about you 24/7)

– 5 Questions To Ask Your Partner For Better Sex

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Relationships, Sex & Romance

How To Kiss Well: The Ultimate Guide To Being A Better Kisser




In romance, there are few big first impressions we get to make on each other, and kissing might be the biggest one of them all.

I’ve heard many people say that they went on dates with bad kissers and it was a deal breaker for them. Why? Because how you kiss is a microcosm of how you will be as a partner (and lover).

Just like handshakes, you can tell a lot about a person by the way they kiss. It broadcasts their confidence, level of passion, and gives you a taste of their sexual energy.

Whether you’re about to kiss someone new, or have already been kissing someone for a while and just want to improve your skills – this is your ultimate guide for how to kiss, and how to be a better kisser. I’m going to cover all kinds, for all situations.

First, let’s go deeper into why this is such an important skill.

The Overlooked Importance Of Kissing Well

In the beginning, a kiss is usually the first real jump in a human interaction that says, “we’re not just friends,” and opens the potential of getting more intimate. Because of that, there’s a lot of weight and charge around that moment.

Just think about the build up. You’re flirting, reading each other, watching for the right moment, hesitating, then finally going for it. It’s incredibly fun. Some people find their first kiss with someone even more memorable than having sex, because the bridge to intimacy has already been crossed, and there’s often less tension and stress around taking things to the next levels.

Because of all that tension, there’s a lot riding on this moment. I don’t mean to freak anybody out and add a bunch of pressure. Just stating this insight as encouragement to practice and put your best foot (and lips) forward.

Most first kisses are just that – a kiss. They don’t lead to anything further until a little later on in the relationship. It might be the way you end a great date, or a night out together. It’s what you’ll both be grinning about (hopefully) for days to come, until you see each other again.

On the other hand, if it’s a weird experience, one of you might walk away feeling underwhelmed, and lose enthusiasm during those days apart (but I’m going to make sure that’s impossible for you).

Then, as you continue spending time with each other, various types of kissing are great tools for communication and feeding intimacy. In different moments, whether that’s to communicate your burning passion, or tender adoration, a kiss can get the message across like nothing else. Besides using words, kissing is the most common way we express our affection and desire for each other.

How To Think About Kissing

control, slow sex, set up your bedroom for better sex, kiss

Really, that paragraph heading should say how to “feel” about kissing, because it’s all about using your body, not your head. But for now, we’re in the briefing room talking logistics.

In so many ways, it is best to think about kissing like you think about dancing.

Like having sex, being a good kisser is like being a great dance partner. You have to be sensitive toward and aware of the other person. You have to calibrate to them in real time – noting what they’re responding to, where they want to move, and how they want to move.

Do they want to move slower, or faster? Are they more subdued, or forwardly passionate? What style of kissing suits the moment the best?

You’re each swapping turns taking the lead. You’re constantly reading and reacting to each other’s subtle cues to determine where you’ll go next.

You can practice all you want, but it takes two to tango – as they say. Each kiss is made up of the two people and energies that are coming together for it. All you can do is bring a general knowledge of how to move, and what not to do, and then the chemistry takes over.

And I should say that this dance metaphor is meant to apply to more prolonged kisses, usually the intense kind – what we’d call “making out.” It’s hard to mess up a quick pecking kiss, unless you have poor depth perception and accidentally head-butt them. But it’s very easy to sour longer kisses.

Common Kissing Faux Pas

To achieve mastery in anything, it always helps to know what rookie mistakes to avoid, and the major reasons behind them.

Each one of these stems from a lack of presence and awareness for the other person. These problems can only happen when you’re not calibrating to the other person. So long as you’re paying attention to them, you should be able to steer clear of these issues.

In any style of kissing, here are some of the mistakes people frequently make to ruin the moment:

  • Unreciprocated tongue assault. Perhaps the most common is someone throwing out an excessive amount of probing tongue action when the other person is clearly not reciprocating, or wanting it. We’ll cover how to use tasteful tongue in a moment.
  • Making it too wet. Somehow, finding a way to drool around the other person’s mouth, or into their mouth. If someone has to use their sleeve to mop up their chin, it’s likely that something has gone wrong (of course unless you’re both into some kinky spit play).
  • Making it too sloppy. Passionate kissing may be wild, but it should still be fairly focused and intentional. When someone uses loose lips, too wide a mouth, or a lot of erratic movement, it can feel like making out with a squirming alien sea monster.
  • No variety. On the dance floor, if you predictably took the exact same steps, the same way, round and round, without ever mixing it up, you’d make for a boring dance partner. The same goes for kissing. If you do it in the exact same style, with the same intensity, the excitement wears off after about 10 seconds.
  • Going handsfree. If you’re too preoccupied with what’s happening with your lips, you might overlook what’s going on with your hands. Besides the rushed on-the-way-out-the-door “See you for dinner, Honey” peck, any truly great kiss has some supporting hand contact to round it out.

Just before we jump into the various types of kisses, and common pro tips, we need to talk about when to go for a kiss, and recognizing someone is open to it.

How To Know When They Want To Kiss

For most people, this is probably the biggest pressure point of the entire conversation, so I’ll spend a little more time here. Because part of being a good kisser is being a talented and calibrated initiator.

Not being able to tell when it’s the right time to kiss can cause a ton of anxiety. Just know that it’s a skill you develop in time, and a big part of getting better at it comes with realizing it’s actually not that big of a deal.

Yes, the right kiss can be an incredibly powerful moment. But the way some people frame it in their minds causes unnecessary stress. They’re on the lookout for the “perfect” moment; where it has to look like a movie, or come with just the right line, or feel just the right way.

The secret is to simply take advantage of good opportunities, rather than one perfect moment. And there are tons of good opportunities. Stressing about needing it to be perfect is what creates paralysis, causing you to miss perfectly good windows of opportunity.

This stress also causes you to miss the subtle subconscious signals we send to each other to create those windows.

And they’re easy to pick up, so long as you’re relaxed enough to pay attention.

We’ve all heard the statistics around what percentage of communication is body language versus tonality and chosen words (roughly 55%, 38%, and 7%, respectively.)

This is why most of the best cues for telling when someone wants to be kissed are either touch or visual. If you’re unsure of whether or not it was a true signal, keep an eye out for multiple ones, so you can be more confident about reading the situation correctly.

Here are some key indicators that someone is down to kiss:

  • Being quick to laugh. A common subtle flirtation tactic is becoming more giggly and smiley than usual. It’s an automatic reflex that happens when we’re around someone we’re crushing on. We want to give them playful energy.
  • Playful touching. Especially paired with laughter and smiling, finding little excuses to create physical touch and nudge playfully is a good sign they’re into you and want more physical connection.
  • Closing distance. As we warm up and become more comfortable with people, our desire for personal space begins to minimize. We naturally tend to stand closer and enjoy touching. This applies to friends and family, but especially goes for romantic interest.

If they’re inching closer toward you, or don’t seem to mind sitting with your legs or arms touching, they’re likely very happy to be kissed. And pay especially close attention to where they put their face. Studies have shown that 18 inches away from the face is our average “intimate zone”. If they’re happy to keep their face within that zone, that’s a very strong sign.

  • Looking at your lips. We pay attention to the things we want. If someone is thinking about kissing you, you’ll notice their eyes darting to your lips more frequently. They might even start drawing attention to their own lips by subtly biting or licking them.
  • Lingering at the goodbye. When your time together has come to an end, but you can feel that “hanging around” energy, even when they could have easily taken their out and parted ways, you can be sure they’re looking for a little something more to end the date.
  • Preening and playing with hair (for women.) This can be a habitual tick many women do. But it has a much different feel to it when done in the presence of a guy she likes. It will have a little more flair to it, almost like she’s getting ready to go out, rather than an unconscious casual touch.

And, of course, when in doubt: ASK

Yes, it’s still sexy if you ask for consent.

Particularly for guys these days, I have to include a quick note about going for the initial kiss, because you might be feeling a little more nervous about reading her wrong, and feeling like you’d mess things up if you used your words.

A lot of the time, it’s pretty clear when someone is into you and would be happy to be kissed. However, if you’re feeling unsure, or anxious about misreading them, it’s totally cool to explicitly check and see where they’re really at. When done the right way, it’ll actually make her more into you.

When it comes to asking for consent, people seem to have strongly mixed opinions and feel confused about whether or not it’s the right thing to do.

For example, guys especially will often ask these two questions:

Q: Doesn’t she want me to just know, and take the lead as a man?

A: Kind of, yes. Women generally love it when men take the lead in most situations. And they like to be surprised with romantic gestures without having to tell you exactly what they’re thinking. She loves to see you being confident and directed. But there is absolutely a way to use your words while still holding the strong, sexy energy of confident leadership.

Q: Really? Wouldn’t it be unsexy and totally kill the moment if I just asked her if she wants to kiss, rather than just going for it?

A: It totally depends on how you do it. There are so many ways to check if she’s on the same page and wants to kiss without killing the mood. Mostly, that worry is just coming from an outdated and false narrative in your own head.

How To Keep Asking For Consent Sexy

Here is the first, basic key: playfulness.

Most often, it’s how something is said that kills the mood, not exactly what you say. It’s the tone and attitude behind the words. So, if you halt the flirty tension dead in its tracks and suddenly shift your energy to serious, creepily direct, fearful, or awkward, that’s when the mood disappears.

But if you hold a playful, open energy, it’s easy for both of you to feel safe, upbeat, and totally natural in dealing with anything that comes up. Calm playfulness broadcasts your confidence in yourself and comfort in your own skin, which is highly attractive.

Then, the second key would be the actual language you use.

There are words you can use to ask for consent that come across as desperate, or off-putting, and there are others that can carry the spirit of fun and respect.

If you’re especially shy, using the simple question, “Can I kiss you?” is usually the best choice. If you deliver it with steady eye contact, and the kind of calm, positive-assumption directness that you would ask “Can I give you my coat?” with, then you’ll be good to go.

If that phrasing doesn’t work for you, you can also try saying:

– “Are you okay with me kissing you?”

– “Would you like a kiss before you go?”

– “How would you feel about a kiss?”

– “I would really like to kiss you.”

– “Are you thinking about kissing me right now?”

Their response to any of these will give another very clear answer as to where they stand.

Besides straight up asking, one last thing you might try is eliciting signals, which means saying things that playfully test the waters and give you more information.

So, when they say something you love, or you find really cute, you could be honest and say:

“Oh my god, that made me want to kiss you so bad…”

Or, “Wow! Okay, it’s official, I definitely want to kiss you. That’s ridiculous…”

The key here is not to finish with dead silence while staring them down. You want to have it be more of a casual throw away before you keep moving on to something else. They will usually tell you right then and there how they feel about that idea.

Their response might be to laugh and say, “Well, then you should…” or “That’s not a bad idea…”

On the other hand, they might say “Uh, maybe later…” which tells you they need more time. They might also close up, or create more energetic and physical distance, which tells you they’re not up for it.

And if they’re not interested…

If anyone ever tells you they’re not interested, be grateful for their honesty. There’s no reason to have a strong reaction, or take it personally. The best response is always to say something like, “Cool, thanks for being honest with me, I had to check,” and then switch topics.

Being a kind human being is always the right move. It not only preserves the possibility of them changing their mind later on if/when they feel more comfortable with you, but it also keeps you comfortable and confident in yourself.

With the framework laid out, let’s get into the various styles of kissing, and how to best go about them.

The Different Types Of Kissing

1. The Peck

A pecking kiss is great for a quick passing moment of intimacy, or a sweet farewell. With closed lips, you press them forward to connect with theirs, usually for no more than a second or so. This could also be something you plant on their face to be cute, cheeky, or intentionally old-fashioned. The extent to which you include the dramatic “Mmmuah!” sound effect is all up to you. 

In the beginning of a romantic relationship, the peck is something you might occasionally do to be playful. Most of your kisses will tend to fall into the next category…

2. Open Mouth

This is where we start swimming into open water. Once kissing is done with open mouths, things could go many different directions.

There are three different levels to the open mouth kiss, specifically with the amount of tongue used, and how intensely you use it. Each one might be used in a different context.

If you’re not well versed, here are some general pro tips for open mouth kissing:

  • Part your lips, but not too much. Unless you’re using deep tongue, your mouth never needs to open more than halfway. More often, it will be somewhere between 15% and 50% open.
  • Tilt your head, a little. To fit together for the best kiss, and to work around our noses, our mouths have to be tilted a bit in opposite directions to interlock. But you don’t want either of you to be kinking up your neck. The tilt should only be slight, less than an inch in either direction.
  • Slightly firm your lips. You don’t want to make your lips fully solid or pursed. You also don’t want to do the opposite where they’re totally slack with no form. Pushing forward very slightly at the sides of your mouth turn your lips into delectable cushions, which feel fabulous to kiss on. If you do this at yourself in the mirror, it should look like you had some lip filler injections.

And you won’t be doing this the whole time, either. There’s a rhythm to it, of slightly opening and closing. As you open, the lips go loose, and as you close, they’re pushed forward slightly.

  • Use your hand(s). For both sensual and practical effect, you should definitely have at least one hand placed somewhere on them. It might be their waist, ribs, the side or back of the neck, etc. This helps press yourselves together, while adding a strong undertone of passion, connection, and pleasure.
  • Switch positions. If you’re making out, or kissing for 10 seconds or more, you’ll want to start considering changes in position. If your head is tilted to the right, and theirs to the left – switch. If your hands are placed lower down, bring one to their cheek. Fluctuate the intensity for a second, either less or more.

How To: Open Mouth With No Tongue

This is the style of kissing people do most frequently. It can range from a quick saucy kiss any time of day, or something more heavily done with passion.

You will basically take all the tips above and stitch them together. With your head slightly tilted, slightly firm your lips to make contact, before slowly beginning the pulsing rhythm.

The ideal mouth shape and movements is intuitive and very tough to describe. But the closest description would be how you would imitate a wolf’s howl, just without the sound. Try softly making the “Aahh-OOooo!” sound yourself, then repeat and mouth it slowly without making any noise. This is the basic mechanics of the open mouth kiss. Yup, it’s weird. But it works, you’ll see.

At the same time, a very subtle waving rock of the head naturally comes into play. As you reach the “oo” shape with your mouth, and your lips press forward a bit, the chin swings forward ever so slightly in rhythm.

Also, remember to utilize your hands. These are a huge accent to kissing, especially as it gets more sensual. Depending on the length of the kiss, you might just have one hand on their cheek, or neck. Or you might bring the other one onto their waist, the back of their head, or both on either side of their ribs, etc.

As you read the other person’s mouth and body response, you can quickly tell how far open your mouths will go, and whether or not tongue will be introduced, and how much of it.

How To: Open Mouth With Light Tongue

This is a delicious kiss. But tongue is an art form, and easily misused. When you think about using your tongue, it’s rarely ever with the tip, and slipping in and out like a snake. It’s really the middle-to-front section of the tongue that gets offered forward to connect.

To introduce good tongue, here’s the general idea: Place the tip of your tongue on your bottom teeth against the back of your lip. Now pretend it’s attached there by a hinge. So, when you push your tongue forward, the tip should stay right there, while the middle section raises up and forward, creating a small pad of tongue sitting just behind your lips.

As you subtly open and close your mouth, there’s a bit of a wave that happens. On opening, the tongue relaxes, and as you connect and close, it waves forward, and so on. The exact rhythm and shape will emerge once you connect with your kissing partner. But it happens alongside the same rhythm as the subtle head rock and closing of the lips.

As you go, you might venture out to make a soft and very slight licking motion against their tongue, which uses the tip just a little bit.

How To: Open Mouth With Deep Tongue

If in doubt, consider deep tongue as something that should only come out in the most passionate of scenarios. It might be in your partner’s style, or it could naturally emerge during a heated goodbye kiss. But for the most part, people are more receptive and prone to the use of deep tongue when in more sexual contexts.

In many ways, this is an extension of all of the techniques from light tongue. There is still a rhythm and wave to it, but we’re allowing the tip to get a little more free, and fully enter the other person’s mouth.

You may require a little more head tilt to comfortably deep tongue. From light tongue, work into it over several waves, rather than jarringly jumping right to it. If you’re leading the kiss, you want to invite the person into it and sense their response. If you’re following, you want the chance to do so fluidly.

From light tongue, gradually introduce a little more intensity and depth over a few kisses. If you can feel their energy and tongue doing the same, you’re good to get wild. If not, you can back off a little and continue on with business as usual.

If you’re cleared for deep tongue, you’re probably about to intensify the use of your hands as well. They can move and squeeze with more passion, and around areas like the ass, chest, and groin (depending on the moment, your level of comfort with each other, and the stage of your relationship). This is where you might also close your fingers around their hair (if it’s long enough) and gently tug on handfuls.

All of these types of kissing are implemented in a few key styles of kissing. Think of the types as tools in a set that can be used.

Styles of Kissing

1. Sweet kissing

This might be the kiss you sneak in when you meet up, or step out of the restaurant. It has a cheeky, fun lightness to it. The sweet style of kiss communicates affection, using very minimal open mouth, and might have a variety of hand positions. You could go just lips, a hand on the cheek, or place both hands on either side of their face for extra sweetness effect.

2. Romantic kissing

This will likely be the style of choice for your first kiss with that special someone. The romantic kiss isn’t a passing connection, nor a full-on sexual romp. It’s somewhere in between. It begins “sweet” and moves toward passionate, but you’re not groping wildly. Most of the talking is still done with your mouth.

It pulls prolonged focus and intensity, feeling almost slow-motion, maintaining a touch of class. Think of most big movie kisses, where two people finally connect, the music reaches a crescendo, and the woman bends a knee to lift her foot off the ground. It’s also a great way to give (and get) a teasing sample of passion. You’ll taper on, stay a little restrained, then taper back off.

The standard romantic kiss would begin with the guy placing a hand either on her waist or side of her face, as an initiating move, with the other hand to follow in the opposite position. On her face, the best hand position is placing the thumb between her cheek and the front of her ear, with the other fingers along the side of the neck.

Start slow and savour the initial contact. It will usually begin with slightly open mouth and no tongue. After a few seconds, introduce some light tongue and pay attention to the response. If it’s welcomed, then kiss like that for a few more seconds, before toning it down a little by switching back to no tongue. You might do this back-and-forth once or twice, before finishing with a few sweet-style kisses, and then grinning at each other like love drunk idiots.

3. Passionate kissing

Close your eyes, Grandma. Here comes that deep tongue! The passionate kiss is the hot and heavy kind usually reserved for private spaces, or out in the street during a rainstorm at night.

This is where the dance of reading each other is really put to the test, because you’ll be exploring a much fuller spectrum of energy and dynamics.

If you’re out somewhere public, with limited privacy, it might simply be more intensity with the tongue and hands. There’s a greater speed to everything – from lip and tongue movements, to position changes with heads and hands.

If you’re at home, you might begin with a light open mouth kiss, introducing light tongue, moving into deep tongue, then backing off, perhaps switching to kissing and licking the neck and chest, then back to deep tongue kissing.

Amongst all the variables, there are a few pieces of common ground to any passionate kiss. One is dynamics. Play with ebbing and flowing the intensity, and riding a wave, rather than full throttle at one speed.

The other is accompanying or slightly leading the intensity with your hands. The strength and passion with which you squeeze, or pull in, is a good cue to escalate the passion with which you’re kissing. The two are interlinked.

To end any solid kiss, they tend to carry their own momentum, and you can feel it winding down. Again, calibration is key. As a general rule, it’s always best to leave them wanting more, rather than making out for as long as the muscles in your face can stand it and losing the exciting charge.

Now go practice!

At the end of the day, the best way to practice is with a partner. You’ll pick up different tricks and refine your intuition as you kiss more, and with other people. If you’re only doing so with a long-term partner you already have, then just put in the repetitions!

Very quickly, your biology takes over and you enter a flow state. You’ll find you know exactly what to do without even thinking about it. The basic tips you find here will happen automatically (and if they don’t, hopefully you have a partner who will ask for what they need from you if there’s any changes to be made).

Start by being calm and on the lookout for the right cues. When you move in for the kiss, take it slow and calibrate to see where the kiss wants to go. Keep your hands in play, to match the intensity of your lips (and tongue), and play around with the dynamic, and you’ll feel like a seasoned pro.

Dedicated to your success,


Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you’ll also love checking out:

– 6 Connection Exercises For Couples To Build Intimacy

– 50 Powerful Romantic Gestures That Will Make Your Partner Melt

– 10 Questions To Ask To Go Deep In Your Relationship

– Slow Sex: How To Magnify Your Sexual Pleasure

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